Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
