STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
