turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
