Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
