Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
