Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
