Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
