ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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