Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
