i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
