The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
