god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
