Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
