I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
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we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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