I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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