Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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