He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
