haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
it glows. i had to have it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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