You can't motorboat a personality
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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