I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
