I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
