I can't watch pbs sober anymore
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Congratulations! We have a period
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
