Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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