um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
