Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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