I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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