Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
