You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
