You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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