i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
