why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
