apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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