Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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