I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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