On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
