So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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