I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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