Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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