I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
