Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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