I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You were trust falling into bushes
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
