i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
