Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
