I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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