Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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