It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
