you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
