Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
