I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
