I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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