And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
