I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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