rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
