Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
