You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
