She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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